


Voice of Reason

by TheGreatSnapescape



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 16:04:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14429181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatSnapescape/pseuds/TheGreatSnapescape
Summary: Hearing voices no one else can hear isn't a good sign, even in the wizarding world.





	Voice of Reason

It started one day during his fifth year. Just a flash of black in the corner of his vision, gone when he looked. Whispers somewhere in the back of his mind, swiftly drowned out by the chatter of the students around him in the hall. He didn't think much of it. 

Severus tried to ignore the whispers. He knew that even in the Wizarding world, hearing voices wasn't good. It wasn't normal. And Merlin knew that there was enough "abnormal" about him as it was. His father had always made sure he knew exactly how much of a freak he was, how much of a disgrace he was to the good Snape name. 

He'd channeled his anger into his studies, poring over his mother's old school texts and learning curses far more advanced than someone of fifteen years had any business knowing. In time, he became skilled, formidable. Feared by his classmates, accepted by the older Slytherins. He was finding his place, finally. 

But then there was Lily. His best friend, the only person who had ever shown him kindness. He knew she didn't approve of the company he kept, and he wondered if he was imagining the distance between them of late.

And there was James and his group of Marauders. They never gave him a moment's peace these days. Severus remained on high alert, senses that were fine-tuned by his father's drunken rages always processing information, looking for patterns, looking for danger. It made him sick to think on how James had turned his attentions on Lily this year, as if she were some prize to be won. 

As the weeks dragged on, it progressed. The whispers became voices, muffled at first but clearer every day. Soon they were strong enough to override the voices of the students in the hallways and classrooms and dorms--the _real_ voices.  
His studies were suffering for it. He just couldn't seem to focus in class. It was difficult to hear his professors over the din in his head, like a raucous pub during happy hour. He'd screwed up in Potions and nearly caused his cauldron to explode. Potions! That had lost Slytherin House 25 points, but the disappointment in Slughorn's eyes was almost worse. 

Exhaustion began to eat away at him. He stopped eating, stopped sleeping--not that he could sleep in the first place. These blasted Voices were keeping him awake, and he lived on an endless cycle of Pepper-Up and Dreamless Sleep potions (all brewed by himself in secrecy so no one would catch on, of course). 

The shadows in the corners of his vision began to manifest more clearly, but still they dashed away before he could ever make out what they were.

As Severus made his way out to the grounds after class one day, he noticed the Marauders sauntering down the hall up ahead. He quickly ducked into the shadows behind a pillar along the wall so he wouldn't be noticed. He was very good at not being noticed.

And then he saw Lily. 

She was walking side-by-side with James, laughing at something he said. 

_You worthless cur! She loves him, can't you see? She doesn't care about you. She never has. You're a charity case to her, that's all. No one cares much for a half-blood Slytherin. He's handsome. He's Gryffindor's Quidditch hero. What are you? What are you?_

"Stop it..." Severus muttered, bringing his hands up to his ears as if he could drown out the horrid Voices. 

_You'll never compare to him. She'll never look at you the way she looks at him. You never had a chance. It's just like Father always said..._

"SHUT UP!"

His yell echoed off the stone walls and buttresses of Hogwarts. A few students glanced around but did not immediately see the source of the shout, and so they resumed walking. Lily glanced behind her in shock, recognizing the voice. She excused herself from the company of her classmates and doubled back down the hall. 

"Severus!" she hissed, peaking around a pillar. Empty. 

_"Severus!"_ she tried again. 

He had sunk down onto the ground, eyes screwed shut, hands still over his ears. He didn't notice Lily's arrival until he felt her hand on his shoulder, shaking him. 

"Sev! What happened? What's wrong?" Lily questioned, green eyes wide in concern. His eyes met hers, fear swimming in their depths.

Self-hatred coursed through Severus' veins. He hated seeing that look on her. He didn't like to make her worry. She knew about his dismal home life, of course--had since they were children-- but he still tried to keep the worst details from her. He told himself that he didn't want her pity. The truth was, he couldn't bear to see anything bad in her eyes.

So he knew that Lily could never know about what was going on inside his head, the darkness that threatened to engulf him. He'd lose her for certain if that happened. He was cracking up, no two ways about it, and there was no way Lily would want to associate with a _nutter._

"Nothing. I'm fine," he muttered as he hauled himself to his feet. Then, he pushed past her and fled back to the safety of the Slytherin dungeons where he was sure she wouldn't follow.

Severus was going insane, but he had to do so quietly. 

His days passed in a whirl of abandoned classrooms and _Muffliatos_ and _Sectumsempras._ "For enemies." The enemies within. He found that the pain drove back the Voices, if only for a little while. They always came back.

Lily found him in a back corner of the library one day, hunched over a spread of parchments with various annotations and notes as well as half a dozen books, many from the Restricted section. As she approached him she realized that he was dozing, one arm tucked under his head and the other splayed across the parchments, smearing the ink. She was about to wake him when the title of one of the books caught her eye.

_Potions for Suppressing Commuynication Channeles wyth Darke Spirites_

Alarmed, she scanned the rest of what she could see.

_The Voices of the Dammned_

_Demonic Possession--How to Exorcise Evil_

_Afflictions of the Wizard Psyche_

Severus began to stir. Lily quietly backed away.

Some weeks later, Severus walked side-by-side with Lily as they exited their last class of the day. Conversation flowed easily between them as it hadn't in quite awhile. 

Lily was worried about him. He'd become withdrawn recently, jumpy, always on edge. She worried that it had to do with that Malfoy boy, or that awful Mulciber. She'd heard the rumors about the horrible things they were into, the hateful ideology they espoused, and she wanted nothing to do with it. She desperately wanted Severus to have nothing to do with it, either.

But today, he seemed more present than he had for weeks. They ribbed each other about the upcoming Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Gryffindor was leading in the Quidditch Cup, but only by a hair--Severus was telling Lily in no uncertain terms that his House would wipe the floor with the tears of the Gryffindors when they lost.

"What's a nice girl like you doing with a creep like him?" 

They both stopped short at the voice belonging to James Potter.

"Hey Snivellus, he's talking to you!" Sirius Black joined in. When Severus didn't respond, Sirius gave him a shove. Black eyes met Black's, smoldering in rage. Sirius sneered. "Acknowledge your superiors when they address you, you disgusting--"

"Hey!" Lily interjected, stepping between the rivals. "Now that's enough." She threw a hard glare at the boys.

"Aw c'mon Lils, it's just Snivelly--"

"I said enough!"

The boys glanced at each other and shared a laugh. 

"Hey Siri, watch this." James drew his wand from his sleeve and lazily pointed it in Severus' direction. Instantly, Severus adopted a dueling stance with his own wand leveled at the Marauders. 

However, the ever-ready curse died on his lips as he noticed that the shadow in his periphery had finally coalesced into a familiar figure that stood somewhere behind James, leaning against a tree. The tall, dark-haired man smirked at him when he made eye contact and leisurely began to stroll over.

"No, impossible."

There was a slight tremor in Severus' voice, but he resolutely stood his ground. 

"Hm?" Lily glanced at Severus, who had gone pale(er than usual). Something was wrong.

"Hello, _son._ Playing nice with your little friends, eh? Are they freaks too?" the man laughed.

"Y-You can't be here!" Severus said. "It's not possible! You're a Muggle!"

"Who's a Muggle Severus?" Lily asked. 

"Yeah Sniv. Who are you talking to?" one of the Marauders called. 

Severus ignored them, keeping his gaze focused on a point somewhere behind the group of students. The man continued to approach, unperturbed by Severus' protests. 

"You've grown up to be such a pretty young man, Severus," he purred. "You look so much like your mother used to when she was young. Except for that nose. Maybe I shouldn't have broken it," he mused. 

"S-Stay away! I'm warning you!"

"Sev!" Lily grabbed his shoulder, trying to shake him back to reality. "There's no one there!"

"Or what?" the man continued as if Lily hadn't said a word, taking a drag on his cigarette. "You'll point your stick at me? I tremble in my boots."

"I'm warning you!" Severus repeated. "I'm strong now! I-I can beat you!"

"No." He closed the distance between them swiftly, and suddenly he was alongside Severus, mouth inches from his ear, breath reeking of alcohol. "Beat me? I can beat the unnaturalness out of you yet. You are still the same weak pathetic whelp you always were. I should've drowned you in the river at birth like a sack of kittens." He brought a hand up to the young wizard's face now, tracing the hollows of his cheek and the line of his jaw with calloused fingers that ghosted over sallow skin. "But maybe you're still good for something." He growled, pressing the cigarette into the young wizard's neck, and brought his voice to a whisper.

_"I will take what is mine."_

"C-Crucio!" Severus gasped. "Crucio! _Crucio!_ "

Red light shot out of his wand. The group of students jumped out of the way, taking cover against the wall as the curses zapped past them and dissipated harmlessly against a tree. 

"What the hell is he doing!" James shrieked. 

"He's gone mad!" Sirius replied. They scrambled away down the hall. 

Lily stood rooted to the spot, gaping at her friend. His eyes were glassed over in fear as he took in great heaving breaths of air. Slowly, he lowered his wand. His eyes scanned the courtyard, darting around in panic, before finally locking with Lily's. The obsidian eyes cleared for a moment before filling with horror. 

"Sev--" she began, but before she could say another word, he was gone.

It took Lily almost an hour to find him. When she finally did, she wished she'd never have to witness the scene before her again. 

Severus had fled to the top of the Astronomy Tower. He was leaning over the edge, grasping the railing so hard his knuckles were white. Pure desperation was written on his face and tears flowed freely down his cheeks. In all the years she'd known him, she had never seen him cry. Not once. It broke her heart. 

Lily gingerly placed her hand on his shoulder, hating the way he flinched, and gently pulled him away from the edge. It was then that she noticed that his arms were covered in smeared blood and little cuts. She snatched his wand out of his hand and tossed it to the other side of the tower. "Don't. Please."

"Lily..." He sounded so broken. 

"Talk to me Sev. What's going on? I need you to tell me."

"I can't."

"I need you to. We're best friends, yeah?"

"...Yeah."

"Yeah. Okay. So best friends tell each other everything right?"

"...Yeah."

"Right. So you need to tell me what's happening."

"I...Lily, I--I'm losing it."

"What do you mean? Tell me who you saw today."

"My father," he croaked. "But that's impossible! Muggles can't see Hogwarts. Muggles can't be here. But he was. Lily, why was he here?"

"I don't know the answer to that. Tell me what else has been going on."

"I've been...I've been hearing voices, Lily. Voices that no one else can hear. Voices that aren't--that aren't there," he finished in a horrified whisper. 

Lily thought back to the day in the library when she'd caught Severus reading those frightening books and cursed herself for not waking him right then and there and demanding to know what was going on. She should've seen the signs. She could've gotten him help sooner. 

"And what do these voices say to you?" she probed. 

"Horrible things. They say--they say that you hate me. That you'll never talk to me again if you find out that I'm--that I'm--oh _Merlin_ \--" He erupted in a fresh bout of sobs and sank to his knees. Lily crouched down beside him and drew him into an embrace. He clutched at her as if to a lifeline, and she didn't spare a thought for the fact that he was probably getting blood all over her robes. 

"You know it's not true, Sev. The voices are lying."

He looked up at her in despair, but a desperate hope shone in his watery eyes. "It's not? They are?"

"Yes. We'll get through this together, okay? I'm here for you."

"For how long though? How long?"

Lily smiled and pulled him closer. 

"Always, Severus. Always."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my story. I wrote it quickly at like 4am for a prompt on Tumblr regarding Snape and mental illness, and I think the writing could be improved but I won't bother, because the point was to capture the spirit of the idea. I hope I've done that. It is partially based on my own experiences with psychosis/schizophrenia. I know not everyone experiences it the same, and heaven knows this is a very... edited version, but this is my take on it. Is Sev a little pathetic? Perhaps. But you would be too. It's a terrifying experience. Please let me know what you thought!


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